Tired and Sad

Just honestly, not feeling that great any longer.

I can’t be totally honest about what has happened lately. It’s frustrating but I am being watched.

My mom has been as bad as ever. I can only be out of the house when some one has been here lately. It’s so frustrating to be dealing with this but I know it has hard on my mother lately.

The visit with my mother was wonderful. We only had one minor glitch when she lied to me. I’m not fond of being lied it, as you may notice.

I continue to be sad lately, but it’s just that… sad. The depression is lifting and I am trying to get up and around now. I go walk a mile to the store/bank, or run errands on the bus. (The bus stop alone is almost a mile.)

I try to be out of the house no more than an hour or two because my mother can get confused and she tends to smoke and burn herself etc. lately. I took the cigarettes away from her but she had back-up I feel like I must be here if the nurse’s aid is not here to keep an eye on her so she doesn’t burn the house down.

Luckily my mother had “sundown”. She is pretty well off under until the evening comes. At this point I don’t see that point in getting her to stop smoking or drinking. Things will go downhill either way. I watching my grandmother put in a nursing home and then disk, both knowing nothing of her surroundings. She didn’t know who I was… or who she was.

Again, the only time I have to myself is after she locks herself in the bedroom. Luckily she has an alert button, Just In Case.

I am time but I will try to leave tomorrow. I love you guys.

Love,
Amy

We Lost a Baby and Now I Know How He Feels

I felt a need to blog after the event that just happened. My heart is hurting and I need to express my feelings because I know that there are others in this world that are experiencing the same pain as we speak.

My ex-husband chatted with me for half an hour as he drove from his work to my apartment to pick up our daughter from her visit this weekend. He told me about the two tattoos that he was looking forward to getting in the next week. When he got here he showed me a picture of one of the tattoos he will be getting. I was truly not prepared for what I was about to see.

The paper had text surrounded by angel wings. The text read:

Although we never met, you will always be in my heart.

This was clearly an acknowledgment to the angel that my ex-husband and I lost four years ago.

I told him that I loved it as I held back tears. This is exactly the kind of tattoo I would get. I have lost two babies, one was before my ex-husband.

When I closed the door I broke into tears which only confused my mother. I tried to explain, but she no longer understands. She doesn’t remember these events and never will again.

I am left with thoughts of the two angels that I have lost. I always miss them, but this brought them to the front of my mind dearly. I hurt. I feel silly for some reason grieving about souls that I never really met. I don’t think it’s silly really, honestly I think it is my largest pain.

I am only days from turning 30. This fact has always been plagued by the fact that there should have been three children and not one. Also by the fact that I have had a hysterectomy several years ago. Actually only weeks after we lost our angel.

I miss them with all my heart. It makes a huge difference that my ex-husband feels the same about our lost angel. Honestly we were never able to talk about it before we separated. I never knew how he felt until now. Now I know.

Love,
Amy

From Being a Daughter of a Parent to Beging a Parent of a Parent

This has been a Friday the 13th for the record books.

This is the first night that I have put both my daughter and mother to bed as a parent.

Today my mother was finally diagnosed with dementia. I’ve known for a long time that there is something wrong. From her confusing the cigarettes as a phone to her losing the ability to use the remote control to the television at all. She is usually high functioning in the morning but by evening all is lost.

My only refuge these days is when she finally goes to bed. She has taken to locking herself in her bedroom at dusk and I can only pray that if something happens then she will remember to push the button on her wrist that activates the box in the living room that calls for help.

She also has been falling more recently. This is a concern not only because of her osteoporosis but also because most of her back is constructed from rods and screws that could be broken. We also know that her body probably could not survive a third reconstruction of her back because of the heart attacks and strokes that have come in the past surgeries.

I have spent my years living with her thinking that it was all about me. I know now that I have to drag my sorry ass out of bed in the morning to care for the mother that worked two jobs while going to school when I was young so that I could eat and have clothes that fit and a new book bag each year.

My daughter is here tonight as well. She is sleeping soundly in my bed, curled up safe knowing that her mommy is here to keep her safe and fed and clean and happy. Tonight we, meaning me, made this her Easter. This is the first opportunity I have had to do so. I have spent months saving up coins and going to church sales to get her some pretty cool things. She smiled. That is all I could ever ask for. Tomorrow morning we will have “Easter egg” pancakes then we will color eggs and turn them into my family’s traditional Easter dinner: egg salad sandwiches. I used to be able to rely on the same things from my mother. This is how I know how to be a decent mother.

I have complained about my mother. Yes, she wasn’t perfect. She was messed up as a child and turned a blind eye to the abuse I received as a child from another. But, there were good things. There were smiles. There were times when I knew things would be alright, when I felt safe, when I felt loved.

Now I must learn that my mother is gone. She has evaporated into the distance. I will grieve in my own way, I have been for months. I don’t know how I will tell the brother that will no longer speak to me, that his mother is gone as well. Maybe he already knows. I don’t know the answers to anything right now.

I am exhausted. My days are filled with her temper tantrums, her slip-ups, mishaps, and her frustration over her memory. I am trying at this point to keep from trying to run away from the situation all together or turning deeper into my drinking or my many vice problems.

I don’t know why I am writing this. I suppose I just need to get out the feelings that I am feeling. I am having so many issues in my own head on top of this that the fight doesn’t seem fair.

I have also recently pushed away 99% of the people who care about me. To this I wish I could apologize. I feel terrible. I wanted to spare these people the pain of knowing me at all. Instead I caused them pain. I wish I could take it back. But now I am nearly alone. I suppose this is what I deserve.

Good night Internet world. I am not going anywhere.

Love,
Amy

My Sweet Little 6 year old was here last night

I never knew that a little 50lb blonde haired, blue eyed, girl could possibly have missed this. There were a few moms in leopards… oh yah….
*SMACK*
Wke up Diznosson!

I won’t go into the obvious humor about antihistamines and making her sleep all night. Sorry, I think things are improving!

Yesterday she had SO MANY questions. It was unbelief able. They ranged from:

“Mommy, can we pain my paint my two nails?” 5min. later. “How about my tires?!”

I say that’s what they get for putting a slide in their weighting room

My ex-husband also informed me on the phone while I am out the door for the day and he had no comment on the matter and went back to weeding the roses.
Personally I am just trying to making things easier, like food and water and gas and electric, I don’t see how anyone can take that away from the United States period. But that’s my point.

2. Mommy has a huge temper. While Hayley doe have a full-blown slamming her fists on the grould, kicked and screaming then hollering her breathe. She go so goo that make her pass out ones. Shehh

Ok, I can’t really link that, or the previous ones that were worse (maybe someday I will tell you) but the cops only took me to my front door where I got some first aid. Hayley didn’t wake up or stir at six months old, she was find in the nursery in the back. Everything pretty much turned out find. Except…. the 12 weeks of parenting classes. But hey, could have been worse.

I tend lately to dwell too much on on my height. 4’11″ is respectable. Just can’t reach that one cereal on the top shelf. Dammit. I hate that.

I’m tired of bottling it up and going into misdirected rages and blowing up at the people I love. I’m done with it, you know!! I can’t keep telling people how to run their like, that’s never a good idea. It’s all there decision, their life.

I miss human contact (my mom doesn’t count. she’s losing her mind, balance, and patience. Not to sound count bloodless bodies which I have never taken care of everything before.

The horrible part is that now that I have now into this apartment. H stay by me on the couch and put his hand on my chances and it make me moan.

He asked me to raise my shirt and my bran and caressing my breasts, first one, then the other… then both. He nibbled on my nipple which drove me crazy!

I wanted to kiss his neck or bite his shoulder, but I was afraid of going past the unknown boundaries.

I want to give credit to some of the plot and lines to, “Killing, Alex Cross.” by James Patterson. A famous author mostly on the twenty-first centurn.

Songs to Touch my Heart

Lately I have created a playlist that gives me songs that touch my heart in one way or another. (Usually more for the words than anything.) I will give you a sneak-peek. This is one coping tool I use to get through the day.

 

Good Goodbye- Diana DeGarmo (My current favorite, as seen on the Young and the Restless)

It Won’t Be Like This for Long- Darius Rucker

How to Love- Lil Wayne (yes, not all his songs are vulgar)

Misery- P!nk

Make Me Proud- Drake

Eyes Open- Taylor Swift

It Will Rain- Bruno Mars

Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)- Kelly Clarkson

You Found Me- The Fray

Fallin’- Alicia Keyes

Someone Like You- Adele

The One That Got Away- Katy Perry

If I Die Young- The Band Perry

For various reasons these songs touch me. I may tear up when I hear them but it helps to ease the pain of the bigger picture. I am no expert, but I have learned that in my life songs can really help say what I want to say but do not have the words myself.

I am in constant pain physically and emotionally and listening to music helps me. It takes my mind off things sometimes and sometimes helps me realize that there is more to life than everything that is happening right now. I miss when life was simpler, but I know now that it isn’t helpful always to hope for better in my own life, but it helps to know that I can deal with what is happening right now.

Love,

Amy

An Update into my Life

Okay, an update. This will be hard, but I will do my best.

Once I left after the cops were called on me I realized how alone I felt. I didn’t want to start over and try to be someone else, I am who I am whether you like it or not.

At that time I was not suicidal. Later that week that is exactly what I became. I didn’t want to go through life with my regrets and sorrows anymore, but I didn’t want to end it because of my daughter. I never attempted the suicide that I longed for.

Once I began to feel better my anxiety became unbearable. I began drinking. Soon this became drinking that started as soon as I woke up and ended only when the sun when down and I would fall asleep for a few hours. I looked into rehab and still am considering it.

There are other things that went on that I wish to keep confidential, but I will leave you with two words that will explain it all: heroin and prostitute. ‘Nuff said.

I am trying to turn my life around and if and when I go back into rehab, you all will be the first to hear about it. (Yes, I spent three months in rehab back in 2009/2010)  I am trying to decide whether or not I am worth it and whether or not I want to dedicate so much time to it. I need to maybe find an AA meeting in my area. I have more time on my hands since I quit school now.

Other than that my depression is the only thing really going on . I have been staying in bed or on the couch staring at the television most days. I ignore my computer most often and pawned my iPod a month ago. (I retrieved it yesterday but can’t find the charger/USB cord).

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she was optimistic, even after my psychotic break a few weeks ago. She upped my Seroquel and kept everything else the same. I will refill my meds when my SSI comes in so I can afford the stupid copays. I told her a lot of the reason for everything lately may have been that I forgot I am on Prozac and forgot to fill it. Stupid mistake.

My mom got a new home health aid to help me with things around here such as light housework and her laundry. I do my best but my mom is pretty much unable to do anything for herself anymore. I miss having my own place but I feel indebted to my mom to help her live her life outside of a nursing home.

Again, I have missed you all. You are my friends and family and I have finally realized that and will be here. My emails and blogs and cell phone are all open. xx]

Amy

My return!!

I am sorry for everything I have said lately. I don’t want to leave you all in the least. I have been suffering from a deep depression with a touch of paranoia. It was hard when a police officer was sent to my front door and I have been going through hell lately with or without that.

I have been put on academic probation at my school and had to take out a major loan to cover expenses. I got my internet back and am trying to rebuild my life slowly.

I saw my psychiatrist today and she is majorly helping me.

I will be back. I love you all and thank you for everything. I will be here from now on.

Amy

A Post from the Library

I have finalized everything in my life. In the past few weeks I have pushed away everyone in my life and now I am finishing the job. I will start over new somehow, tho it will not be easy. 

I listen to music and it brings me to tears. I miss everyone dearly but I only bring pain like King Midas brought gold. I will pop up in your lives tho you may not know it. I will be moving on in my personal and professional lives. You were my friends. I will miss you most of all. I will be alright but I just will not appear to you in the same forms as I have. No need to call the police, I am not suicidal. I am just moving on in my life. I am quitting my blogs and quitting school. Within the next few days this blog as all my others will disappear. There will be no responses from my Twitter account or email accounts. I am choosing to cut the cord and move on. My heart is broken. But as in life, you will move on as well. We will be better for it so I do not infect everyone with my poison. I love you all. Good night.

 

End of my Internet

Some bad choices recently have led me to need to shut down my internet and wi-fi until further notice. I will be unavailable by cell phone as well since my daughter hid it last weekend. :No more twitter, no more blogging, no more internet, and no more school. I will get in touch with you all as soon as I am available. Love you all and I am safe,

Amy

Share please?

I wanted to say goodbye. Thank you for following this blog. I will not ask for help this time. This is the end. Thank you.

 

Amy