My day began at 2am this morning. It was quiet… too quiet. I got fidgety and bored and anxious. I already knew that this was going to be a very tough day with so little sleep since I started running this marathon 7am Friday morning. It is now a little past 9pm on Sunday.
After an entire day that felt like one giant panic attack, I am not sleepy again. I am currently waiting to see if maybe THIS medication will work tonight. I will keep my fingers crossed, but not my hopes up. I am too tired to try to be funny, so I will tell you about this day and see what happens.
I went to wake up my sleeping daughter at 9am after her little birthday girl friend down the hall came to see if she could play. My angel sort of said, “Wake me when the sun comes up.”
“Sweetie, the sun has been up for a while now.”
“Then wake me when I get thirsty.”
This was too cute so I let her lay down a little while longer, why try to wake her up too soon and have her biting my head off all day.
Instead I was the one biting at her… she decided to spend the ENTIRE day screaming, screeching, yelling in my ear, and never listening to me at all. She had me completely tuned out all day unless I would yell. Yelling makes us both uncomfortable.
The noise level today was somewhere between a train and an airport. All morning a 3 year old and 2- 5 year olds so excited about the birthday party that would be in only hours. This yelling etc went on for three hours before I made an excuse for my angel and I to go back to my apartment until the party was going to start. I needed the quiet… my body decided to turn on me at that time. And my mom of course. She is complaining and guilt tripping in one year, my daughter is yelling at me about wanting to go back upstairs… I ended up with a horrible episode of ulcer-related problems that I haven’t had in years.
I still can’t breathe, and OF COURSE it’s raining and cold outside the entire day so I can’t just walk it off… plus my body is aching all over…
The party? Since I was just a few stairs away, I felt safe leaving her up there and just going up to check on her here and there. I really tried to go, but if you need a bathroom every 5sec in an apartment with 30 people and one bathroom… that’s not gonna work.
BTW just something to say about an experience I had this morning that is off-topic. I am friends with the little girl upstairs mom, and believe me when I say I despised him before… but after he let off on her over and over we went outside to have a cigarette. He came out, blocked the way inside and proceeded to rant and rave. I chose this to be a blog where people will not be offended by my language or remarks, so I will leave out the specifics.
It was hateful, ignorant, and making me fantasize about how to make him be in lots of pain. He said at the end that he came out to make her look bad in front of me because he KNOWS she talks bad things about him. What he ACTUALLY did was make himself come across as a controlling jerk, racisist, horrible person. This set off the constant panic attacks to become non-stop all day.
After the party my girl was tired so it got calm and quiet for both of us. We were very busy though with the things we needed to get done before her daddy came to pick her up after work.
Sigh, she’s gone now and all I want to do is think dark thoughts and feeling lonely. I miss her. I love her. How does she get to me like this?
I figured out it must be “Pick on Amy” Day or something…
Now I get up early tomorrow to start another marathon day alone. Personally I like these marathon days better when I have my MommyCuddle and my mom helping out with meals because she can see I am overwhelmed.
I will be continuing this series on Thangsgiving. and I am pretty sure if I can get some sleep, my observations will be clearer. I am so awfully foggy… here come the impending doom a crash. I just hope it doesn’t happen tomorrow.
Current Status of Apartment:
Mom is snoring in her room, and my little girl is probably cuddling up with the daddy she missed. I am up preparing for my college course that starts tomorrow.
God help me that this day is forever forgotten and I never have to live it again.