It may seem like I have it together, but there was a time when the slightest thing would set me off…
I think I have almost tried it all and I am still here.
I was 19, it was October. I had been hallucinating and depressed for days, I had been off meds for months and this was a first for me. Everything got to a point and I flipped out. There was fighting with my boyfriend, screaming, hallucinations, delusions, and finally it ended in me cutting my wrists. I was weak and pale when the ambulance rushed me to the hospital to stitch up my handiwork. This is when they informed me they would not be putting me in the psych ward since I was pregnant. SURPRISE! I had no idea… I attempted with pills twice after I lost my son.
I have had that wrist stitched up three times now, twice was self-harm gone horribly wrong.
About two years ago I swallowed two bottles of pills, luckily that was my last experience with stomach pumping. What a horrible thing to deal with, especially if you fight them. I have had my stomach pumped 3 times.
I walked in front of a Cadillac Escalade, this thing looked like a white tank. I spent a few months on crutches and eventually had surgery on my knee. No internal damage or head injury
I purposely overdosed on heroin about a year ago. I was found and given an antidote and recovered in the ICU for a week.
Inpatient Psychiatric Hospital
I have spent a whole lot of time in these places (I figured I spend about 4-8 weeks a year in them). Recently it seems even a serious suicide attempt doesn’t guarantee you a spot in the ward. Tough thing to go through for 3-7 days, yes. But it’s even harder when you know it isn’t an option.
I will tell you I have died, I have been almost killed, I have tried to kill myself, and I am still here.
At this point I KNOW that I am here for a reason. There is no other answer to all of this. So I will take it a day at a time and try to keep myself from getting to that dark place. And from now on, I will ask for help and FIND help before I get to this point ever again.
All my love,