Kind of odd to sit and think of the fact that I have a mother that is without an emotion in this world. I think my emotional state makes up for both of us.
I think I have spoken before of the fact that I was raised by a family with no emotions and this has stunted everything for me. From my inability to control my moods and rage to the fact that I have spent almost 6 years trying desperately to bond with my daughter and feel like a mother. My mother may explain the majority of these issues.
My mother was born in 1950 as the youngest of four siblings. My mother and grandmother never bonded either since my grandmother was constantly sent for extended stays in the State Psychiatric Hospital by my physician grandfather. I was once told by my mother that when she went home from college to visit on a holiday and broke down in tears, my grandfather called an ambulance to put her in the State Psychiatric Hospital alongside my aunt and grandmother.
My mother was nearly impossible after the divorce from my father. She was working two jobs so she was never around and I was moved from one abusive babysitter to another because they were so evil. Finally when she WAS around, she screamed and ranted and ordered us around. I was locked in my room the majority of the time and all I was allowed to do was read and write because she wanted silence and no mess. I diagnosed my mom with OCD myself when I was in elementary school.
When I turned nine my mom tired of all the babysitters and let me stay home. She thought she was leaving me with my 14 year old brother, but he took off as soon as the bus would drop us off and I would stay home and do laundry and make dinner and he would take the credit. My mother would get home around 10 or 11pm and rant and rave and I would go to bed. This continued until the time I was 13. I had no friends because every time I brought someone to my house (allowed only when she was home) my mother would go off the charts.
There was actually once incident that happened that made it certain. I had two girls over for a sleep over and we were laughing and carrying on and enjoying ourselves. My mother burst into the room and started screaming. My mother would later recall this event saying that she was yelling at them because they were playing too rough with me. (both these girls were almost six ft tall and at least 150lb each, I was less than 5ft and about 80lb) My diary tells me that she made that part up. She drove them to tears and when they begged her for the phone to call their parents so they could go home, she hid the phone. Nowadays they arrest people for less.
When I got to be 13 things got 1000x worse. I didn’t think it was possible. My brother enlisted in the army to get away from her, and without her to get in his face, she got on me. This was also the year my mother quit working and went on disability. My mother has metal and plastic rods and screws replacing all the bone that was once in her back. She lives with chronic pain and couldn’t take it anymore. She was not only worse, she was around all the time. During this time I developed Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy that put me in chronic pain and took away my ability to walk for 18 months. So I didn’t even have school to run away to anymore.
As I mentioned in my post about my father, I took off when I was 15. My mother had me arrested off the connection flight in a city I had never been in and held in a juvenile detention center for days until she could take a flight to come get me. She told me she didn’t want me but she would never let my father have me. I told her I’d rather die than live with her. She had me hospitalized for threatening suicide.
I left when I was 16 to live with my dad. My mother tried to stop me again, but I had a lawyer this time and a judge saying I was old enough to decide for myself.
My mother managed to come down with double pneumonia, collapsed lung, on a respirator within a few weeks of my leaving. I never forgave myself for that.
My mom left Florida and moved back to Ohio when I was in high school in Texas. When I graduated I had no choice but to move in with her. I moved out and in with a new boyfriend within 6 months because I couldn’t handle it.
My mom has never held or hugged my daughter or said she loves her. The opposite from my father, my mother has been there my daughter’s entire life. She never lived more than a ten minute drive away and since I moved back in with her almost a year ago now, my mom has spent hours a week with my daughter. Maybe I feel like I am overcompensating with my daughter sometimes, but I just can’t let her grow up like me.
There’s no proven explanation why my mother spends all her effort criticizing me and never has had feelings. I’ve come to accept her and am trying to just move on at this point. I wish I could get out of this house but she has become too physically ill to live alone and honestly I’m too… well I am unable to live alone too.