Delayed Reaction


Warning: Mention of rape

 

 

For some reason I have always had a delayed reaction to traumatic events. This delay is usually about six months, but it can vary greatly. I cried when my grandma passed for about five minutes then things went extreme. I went manic and for about six months I didn’t cry, I didn’t grieve, and I barely had a memory of anything happening. Six months later the bottom fell out and my depression hung on for quite a while. No one could understand why I would all of a sudden become devastated and sad six months later, long after people in my family had moved on. (Did I mention they have no feelings anyway?) I made it though, barely. Now it’s happened again.

 

In August I was kidnapped, raped, and beaten. (After this point it is all pretty much information that I know second-hand or from court documents) I was put in the hospital after I was retrieved by the police. He was arrested but they did not indict him and so he spent maybe a week in jail. I went to court many times and eventually got a 5 year protection order.

This part I do remember…

Right after I was notified that he was released from jail, I went manic, just like every time I go through a trauma. I stopped sleeping, and spent the night watching out the window and checking and rechecking the locks on the doors and windows. I thought after a while that I was coping so well. I had all this energy and I was laughing again and the sky seemed brighter. I had a brighter outlook on life and went back to school. I thought that forgetting all about that week was fabulous and for the best. I thought that maybe since I was given a second chance on life that that was the reason that everything seemed better than okay. I was horribly wrong…

Over the past two weeks or so the bottom has fallen out. I don’t remember the entire week, but I keep having flashes of memory from that horrible night. I have to talk to my doctor because I think this is another example of my PTSD kicking in. I have become depressed and suicidal. I am scared again all the time and I can’t stop crying.

Why can’t I react like a normal person to this shit? I have so many mental illnesses that I can’t even keep track of what symptoms and issues goes with which. I know that it will get better again. It always gets better again. But I don’t know if I can deal with this until it does.

Friday I see my psychiatrist and I am seriously hoping she has some answers for me. For now I will just try to make it through today and see what happens. I miss my mania…

Amy

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