Afraid of the Darkness

PTSD is sort of like being forced to relive the worst moments of your life anytime your brain decides to fuck with you.

A few years ago I was so proud that I finally had a car. Unfortunately while I was driving near my house I had a very real flashback. I totaled my car into a tree.

When they ask me why I have PTSD I have a whole list. And the list is growing as I get older. Some of the issues have lessened as time has passed. But right now it is full on about my rape in August. My nightmares, oddly enough, have nothing to do with the rape. My nightmares always end with my daughter dying. This is my worst fear and every morning I wake up in a fog thinking she is dead and the panic attack is unbearable. Why must I go through this?

So many of our honorable vets are coming home with PTSD as well, but it is still very stigmatized. Treatment is just not being made available to so many people suffering from PTSD. There is no way that people who do not suffer with it can understand or empathize with us.

PTSD is what led to the post “Pink Slipped… Almost”

Now I am on my way to an outpatient treatment center to beg for help. I can’t live like this but I am not ready to die.

I was turned away from the mental health treatment center. They said to call Crisis Care and make an appointment for an evaluation. Now I have to wait until Dec. 20 to get help. I really hope I can hold out until then.

One thought on “Afraid of the Darkness”

  1. My heart goes out to you because I too suffer from PTSD, I know how it feels. I’ve experienced years of abuse and flashbacks go hand and hand with my past. I’ve stuffed horrible secrets from my life deep down in my soul, and until recently I decided to share them with the world. As each secret comes out I can feel the weight of the world slowly lifting off of my shoulders. Writing helps me so much. And when the moments become too much to bare, I try everything in my power to focus only on my breathing. I tell myself, ‘make it through THIS moment, Joan’.

    You’re in my heart and my prayers.

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