Since I have been blogging about when my apartment has all three bipolar women in it (me, my mom, my daughter) I know it has gotten crazy. But yesterday the place literally exploded. And I started it all with the idea of taking my daughter to see Santa.
At 7:30am my mom got out of bed much later than usual, and grumpy too, and shuffled out to the kitchen. I never went to sleep so she did not wake me up and my daughter had transferred quietly and sleepily from living room love seat to my bedroom at 6:30am. She went in there because she wanted to be near me, but at 7am I went to the living room to watch the news. Hayley didn’t move or notice. I was just starting to lie down and relax and start to watch a recorded SNL (the news wasn’t on, it was Doodlebops) when mom came out and my brain suddenly switched on overdrive. Now there was no relaxing, it was time to kick it into gear and start the day. It was almost non-stop action all day.
By 1pm my being sleep deprived was causing me to be easily irritated. At one point I told Hayley that I am no longer called Mommy, I am Ralph Monkeyface. I could not take one more mommy, mommy, mommy… I was kidding and trying to lighten the mood but this just got Hayley all upset again. She was having a tough time too, even on 10 hours of sleep. There were lots of tears, lots of laughs, bouncing off the walls, and falling asleep in odd places but refusing a nap. My mother did try a little, but it was less of the help I needed. But after 1pm I told them I was lying down for half an hour, that helped but I couldn’t sleep or even relax. A few hours later I found Hayley curled up on a chair in the dining room half-asleep so I put her down for a nap. I tried to sleep too but she suddenly started asking strange questions and making random observations and curling up on my back making it hard for me to breathe. After an early dinner we tried a nap again, this time my muscles were so tight I could not relax at all. I chose a 45min walk in the cold 34 degree weather with barely a jacket on. It helped… for about half an hour.
I was going back and forth about going to the busiest mall in this city the Saturday before Christmas to see Santa when I was already on a fine line. I could feel myself ready to explode and I have 3 kinds of explosions:
2.Curl up in a ball and become hysterical
3. Do something really dumb or drastic
Did I really want to do this in the middle of a mall and in front of my daughter? Uhhhh… no. I called my friend that was taking her kids and Hayley and I and told her I just couldn’t do it. She talked me into going anyway. She kept running later and later. Hayley was really antsy to go see Santa. I was getting worse. I called her again and begged out of going. She said she would take Hayley herself if that was okay with me. I gave in again.
My mother started mumbling in anger and sighing. I can read her like a book, she did not think this was a good idea. My mom and I got into it. There was yelling, I told her that I would keep Hayley home than just to make mom happy. Now it was Hayley’s turn to become very upset. I was during this time trying 3 times to fix Hayley a grilled cheese sandwich. After the second one burned and my mom was yelling at Hayley for crying. I went into the living room and started yelling. I was trying to make EVERYONE happy. It wasn’t going to work. Fuck it, let Hayley go and mom can deal with it. When I started raging my mom gave in and shut up and dropped the subject. I went from rage to locking myself in my room and becoming hysterical in a ball on the floor. Well, double explosion. Lovely.
After Hayley left with her friends for a trip to Santa I locked myself in a quiet bedroom and laid down and did things that I enjoyed and just tried to cool off and calm down. I couldn’t fall asleep because they would be bringing her back at some point, but I didn’t know when.
Naturally, even though she has 4 kids and should know better, she brought my daughter home bouncing up and down because she had just had a huge chocolate cookie. It was 9:30pm. I did something that I try not to do too often, I put my foot down. I told her by 10pm she must be in bed and lights out or I was going to cancel her birthday. She was. She only got out of bed once before 7:30am.
Today is her official, turning six, birthday. I can’t believe she is already six, but of course right away she started saying “well now I am almost seven!” We are in such a hurry to grow up that when we are grown we wish we weren’t. Today has been an awful day for me physically, but I pushed through it and dealt with my Hayley “Hurry Up” She has been rushing around all day, rushing me around too. I have been feeling like I am moving through wet cement and it’s all hard. The day went well, but it’s impossible to know if that will help or hinder my physical state yet. I sent her home early to grandpa to salvage some time to rest and heal and SLEEP before she comes back in the morning.
I will be getting her a few times this week and next during the day because of Christmas Break. I don’t work so they know I am always willing.
I felt like the only really off the hook person this weekend was me. What would be nice is if Hayley and I could have the same sleep patterns. Or maybe next time I will stick back to the old way, one night on my weekends. I know what I can and can’t handle. But I make decisions on what I want, not what I can do. I will think this over.