A Christmas Gift for You! -humor


I want to wish everyone a Happy Holidays!!! I wrote you a present, “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas- modern bipolar edition”

I am dealing with lots of Christmas anxiety now. My daughter is coming over Friday night and Christmas Eve. So Saturday we are having our big Christmas. Hayley will wake up to a mass of presents (plenty of them even if they are way cheaper than her presents at daddy’s will be) and we will have a wonderful Yankee Pot Roast for dinner as always. I am going to try to make Friday night special for her too, hot chocolate in her very own holiday mug and a reading of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” and I know it will be stressful but wonderful. It will also make an interesting post. *wink* Now, for all my readers I was goofing around and rewrote ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas- bipolar edition.” I hope it makes you laugh a little, or at least smile. This is my Christmas gift to you (I’m a cheapskate):

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas- modern bipolar edition

It was the night before Christmas and nobody could sleep, not even the very sad mice. The stockings were hung, in a manic phase in October, from the ceiling. They were hoping Santa would be a little late so their meds could kick in and they could sleep. The children were sleeping passed out all over the place, probably dreaming of dancing plums. Mom in her pjs and me in my slippers had just gone to bed but were still staring at the ceiling. Suddenly out on the lawn there was a noise, I jumped up and called 911 because it might be ninjas coming in. I went to the window and threw the drapes open. The moon was very pretty and twinkly on the new snow. Suddenly I saw a tiny sleigh and eight little tiny reindeer. There was a wide-eyed driver who was very fast, I thought I was hallucinating Santa. And he whistled and shouted but no one understood him because he was speaking too quickly, I thought one word was Comet, but I’m not sure. The reindeer took the sleigh towards the next house, then changed their mind and went left, then right, finally landing above me. Santa was holding onto his hat, toys too. Then I probably heard hooves on the roof. Santa flew down the chimney and landed on his ass. He had on lots of fur, which he bought in a manic state and regretted. He was covered in fireplace ash and I worried he would get it everywhere. He was suddenly dragging the toys around out of exhaustion. He looked like he needed a hug. His eyes -they were darting around! his dimples -weren’t showing because he didn’t smile. His face was pale and I worried. His mouth was frowning and the beard on his face was dirty and messy and he had a cigarette hanging out and the smoke encircled his head and looked like a wreath. He had a broad face and a big round belly that shook when he tried to say, “Ho Ho Ho.” He was fat and looked really depressed for an elf. I thought he was hilarious and couldn’t stop laughing. A wink of his left eye, then his right and a jerk of his head. He didn’t say anything but sighed as he threw presents under the tree randomly, cried on the stockings, then turned around, He put his finger on his nose and tried to nod and rose slowly up the chimney with mumbled words of anger. He dragged himself into the sleigh, pulled out a whistle and blew up. I heard him shout, as he drove out of sight, “Try to have a stable Christmas, and I hope the meds help!!”

(I will apologize for it not being a poem like the original, but I’m pressed for time.)

Have a calm and stable holiday ❤

Amy

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5 thoughts on “A Christmas Gift for You! -humor”

  1. A very good bipolar rendition of Twas the Night Before Christmas…even a little blended family/biomom stuff, too (btw, we also deal with knowing that son’s Dad buys bigger and better gifts). And I will love Santa FOREVER AND EVER if he’ll pay for my meds and leave them in my stocking this year!!!

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