A Silent Killer- my obsession with self-harm


Triggering text below!

This is my confession. This is not advice. This is not a suggestion. This is my experience and I don’t suggest that you follow my lead… PLEASE don’t follow my lead. Please.

If You Are In Danger of Seriously Injuring Yourself or Wanted to End your Life or Merely See No Way Out, PLEASE seek help NOW from a loved one, a doctor, an ambulance, anything. I don’t want to lose you. If you think that no one cares I DO CARE. I really do. My email is on the main page of my blog, please contact me if you have no one else you feel you can trust or that will care. Remember, it’s the one’s who have been there that understand the best.

BTW If you feel you may be triggered in ANY way, please do not continue. I really don’t want to be responsible for anyone self-injuring because I decided to vent. THANK YOU.

LOVE YOU ALL!  BE GOOD TO YOURSELVES PLEASE! Thank you again.

I know, I have written about this subject before… a few times actually. You don’t have to listen if you don’t want to. I understand.

Again, if you self-harm you are NOT alone. Don’t be ashamed because you think you are the only one. I hid for years because I thought I was the only “freak” (my word for myself in the past, not for anyone  else) that scratched and cut and burned. I started on my legs, and even though I was living in Florida at the time I wore jeans year round. I was burning up hot, but I thought I was slick and wouldn’t be found out. Or else I figure I would be able to stop before anyone found out… I was very wrong.

We often suffer in silence. We don’t do it “for attention” as some may claim. If I had wanted attention I am sure there would have been a much better way than hiding the cuts and scars… that just doesn’t make sense.

I am asked over and over “Why do you do it?” At the time I didn’t have an answer, but I researched it and think I came up with some scientific theories. See what you think…

Self-harm or self-injury is not to be confused with suicidal behavior. Our aim is not to end our lives, for me I know it’s just to end the other pain. The emotional pain  that some or all self-injurers experience is very severe, and for whatever reason we found out that physical pain makes it feel better. Endorphins is what the scientists call them. I just know that it worked for me.

This may sound like a good idea now to someone in emotional pain who has never cut/burned/whatever before. Let me warn you. I have had numerous infections and countless stitches. I have cut tendons and have trouble moving my hand and foot. With my foot I nearly bled to death waiting for an ambulance merely because I had “slipped” when I was in a hurry. Accidents happen, and you can’t always take them back or repair them. I also became SO distraught one time that I took a hammer to my ankle and shattered the bone. There are a lot of ways to self-harm, I think I have done it all.

For me, I hide the fresh wounds if I can (can’t hide the ones on my face well) but have given up on trying to cover my scars. I have horrible raised pink  lines all over my arms and legs and hands and feet. I am not into wearing long sleeves year round to save everyone else from being uncomfortable. My favorite is the question, “Oh, is that a carpal tunnel surgery scar??” I don’t make excuses or try to explain. It’s my body and I can not go back in time and take away the scars.

What I need so badly is a therapist to work on my bipolar and borderline with, that’s the only thing that has ever helped. I went about four years with no self injury at one point, I think I can do it again. Right now it has been two weeks since I picked at my face so badly that I am STILL covered in scabs. I can’t promise anything, but I am going to try to stop again. Maybe if I stop then the scars will heal finally too. I am tired of a sign on my forehead that says, “I am nuts! Be afraid!”

The thing that makes me upset is that when I go and seek help about self-injury it is always geared towards teenagers. I hate to tell them, but it doesn’t magically stop when you turn 18.

So for now I will take it just like the rest of my addictions, one day at a time and ask for help. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.

Amy


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2 thoughts on “A Silent Killer- my obsession with self-harm”

  1. I wish that i could understand better. I am diagnosed Borderline as well… but the self harm has never been anything. However, Doc and therapist count the many tattoos and piercings as a form of self harm because of when the decision to get them came about.
    I hope you find relief from this. ♥

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