An Update into my Life

Okay, an update. This will be hard, but I will do my best.

Once I left after the cops were called on me I realized how alone I felt. I didn’t want to start over and try to be someone else, I am who I am whether you like it or not.

At that time I was not suicidal. Later that week that is exactly what I became. I didn’t want to go through life with my regrets and sorrows anymore, but I didn’t want to end it because of my daughter. I never attempted the suicide that I longed for.

Once I began to feel better my anxiety became unbearable. I began drinking. Soon this became drinking that started as soon as I woke up and ended only when the sun when down and I would fall asleep for a few hours. I looked into rehab and still am considering it.

There are other things that went on that I wish to keep confidential, but I will leave you with two words that will explain it all: heroin and prostitute. ‘Nuff said.

I am trying to turn my life around and if and when I go back into rehab, you all will be the first to hear about it. (Yes, I spent three months in rehab back in 2009/2010)  I am trying to decide whether or not I am worth it and whether or not I want to dedicate so much time to it. I need to maybe find an AA meeting in my area. I have more time on my hands since I quit school now.

Other than that my depression is the only thing really going on . I have been staying in bed or on the couch staring at the television most days. I ignore my computer most often and pawned my iPod a month ago. (I retrieved it yesterday but can’t find the charger/USB cord).

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she was optimistic, even after my psychotic break a few weeks ago. She upped my Seroquel and kept everything else the same. I will refill my meds when my SSI comes in so I can afford the stupid copays. I told her a lot of the reason for everything lately may have been that I forgot I am on Prozac and forgot to fill it. Stupid mistake.

My mom got a new home health aid to help me with things around here such as light housework and her laundry. I do my best but my mom is pretty much unable to do anything for herself anymore. I miss having my own place but I feel indebted to my mom to help her live her life outside of a nursing home.

Again, I have missed you all. You are my friends and family and I have finally realized that and will be here. My emails and blogs and cell phone are all open. xx]


One thought on “An Update into my Life”

  1. It breaks my heart to know what you have been going thru.. I do understand somewhat… I hope you remember that when you feel hopeless and lost it is the depression talking and not what YOU really want.. Hang in there girl.. You are worth it!! Please remember You Are Worth It!!! You are awesome inside and out… Your illness is not who you are.. Big Hugs…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s