Okay, an update. This will be hard, but I will do my best.
Once I left after the cops were called on me I realized how alone I felt. I didn’t want to start over and try to be someone else, I am who I am whether you like it or not.
At that time I was not suicidal. Later that week that is exactly what I became. I didn’t want to go through life with my regrets and sorrows anymore, but I didn’t want to end it because of my daughter. I never attempted the suicide that I longed for.
Once I began to feel better my anxiety became unbearable. I began drinking. Soon this became drinking that started as soon as I woke up and ended only when the sun when down and I would fall asleep for a few hours. I looked into rehab and still am considering it.
There are other things that went on that I wish to keep confidential, but I will leave you with two words that will explain it all: heroin and prostitute. ‘Nuff said.
I am trying to turn my life around and if and when I go back into rehab, you all will be the first to hear about it. (Yes, I spent three months in rehab back in 2009/2010) I am trying to decide whether or not I am worth it and whether or not I want to dedicate so much time to it. I need to maybe find an AA meeting in my area. I have more time on my hands since I quit school now.
Other than that my depression is the only thing really going on . I have been staying in bed or on the couch staring at the television most days. I ignore my computer most often and pawned my iPod a month ago. (I retrieved it yesterday but can’t find the charger/USB cord).
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she was optimistic, even after my psychotic break a few weeks ago. She upped my Seroquel and kept everything else the same. I will refill my meds when my SSI comes in so I can afford the stupid copays. I told her a lot of the reason for everything lately may have been that I forgot I am on Prozac and forgot to fill it. Stupid mistake.
My mom got a new home health aid to help me with things around here such as light housework and her laundry. I do my best but my mom is pretty much unable to do anything for herself anymore. I miss having my own place but I feel indebted to my mom to help her live her life outside of a nursing home.
Again, I have missed you all. You are my friends and family and I have finally realized that and will be here. My emails and blogs and cell phone are all open. xx]