And the addict that will pick up for the first time today not knowing what they risk, as well as the addict that will pick up for the last time today, dying in the grips of active addiction.
I have been in treatment for addiction more than once, and for me the hardest emotional battle is that you know somewhere inside of you that these people who you bond with and live with 24/7 for however many days… honestly many of them will not make it. I have hoped and prayed and reached out to these people that I was recently in treatment with and pulled many of them deep into my heart. I feel now that I may have made a mistake on my part.
See, the most important thing for me to understand right now is that I must first take care of ME in order to help anyone else. This is one reason why I am glad that I have put so much physical distance between me and the people I can about right now.
This is the story as to where all this comes from. One hour ago my phone rang. The ringtone was familiar since it belongs to the girl that was my roommate in treatment. I hadn’t heard from her much recently and I did know why. I knew she had started getting high again. I hesitated picking up the phone, but something told me to pick it up. It was not her, it was her husband… He had waited for her to fall back asleep in order to call me. He knows she and I are close, but honestly I had gotten sort of close with him in the time I was still in Ohio. He felt comfortable calling me first to see if I knew what was going on with her. In her addicted brain, she was convinced that he had no idea. I knew better than this but am in no position to tell her what to do and had no way of calling him without going through her. She was very wrong. While I expected him to be anger, as she expects him to be, he was calling me desperate for advice and so that he has someone to go to about this. His heart is broken, just as mine is. Again, I am in no mental or physical condition to be telling him what to do. But I gave him some options based on my personal experience. I also told him to have her call me. He also asked me what she had taken and I told him what she had told me and he took quick action to remove everything from the house and is about to go into a full blown search of their apartment. I am not the kind of person to be a snitch or a rat, but I would rather she be alive and hate me than to die loving me. I couldn’t have that on my heart and survive it. Plus, there is a minor child involved in this situation and as a mother myself, I couldn’t have that on my heart either.
I let this woman get into my heart and maybe I made a mistake and maybe I didn’t. I can’t possibly know. I do know that when she calls me I guarantee you tough love will commence. I will not watch her go through this, I will not put myself through this, and I can not force her to stop. If she does stop I will welcome her back with open arms. Otherwise, I will have to move on as I have before with people I have loved.
Another story about this is that while I was in treatment I got close with a guy that shared the exact same addiction as me. He seemed to have his life together and know what to do. The week before Thanksgiving we heard that he had OD’d and gone into a coma. That’s all I know at this point, and all I will probably ever know. I pray for him daily as well.
Every day addicts around the world die from this disease. Not that long ago I was almost one of them, risking an OD half a dozen times a day. Once I succeeded in OD’ing and stopped breathing. I spent a week in the ICU. I came very close to a statistic of “just another dead junkie.” I am not willing to take those risks anymore. Not for any reason.
I will be taking that phone call shortly I am sure. I know that that very thing will hurt my heart, but it is what I need to do. For both of us.