This is a cut-and-paste of the 2011 version of this that I wrote. Although I does not keep the beat or rhyme, it seems to be enjoyed by all. So this Christmas please enjoy it again and share it with your friends for a healthy chuckle.
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas– modern bipolar edition
It was the night before Christmas and nobody could sleep, not even the very sad mice. The stockings were hung, in a manic phase in October, from the ceiling. They were hoping Santa would be a little late so their meds could kick in and they could sleep. The children were sleeping passed out all over the place, probably dreaming of dancing plums. Mom in her pjs and me in my slippers had just gone to bed but were still staring at the ceiling. Suddenly out on the lawn there was a noise, I jumped up and called 911 because it might be ninjas coming in. I went to the window and threw the drapes open. The moon was very pretty and twinkly on the new snow. Suddenly I saw a tiny sleigh and eight little tiny reindeer. There was a wide-eyed driver who was very fast, I thought I was hallucinating Santa. And he whistled and shouted but no one understood him because he was speaking too quickly, I thought one word was Comet, but I’m not sure. The reindeer took the sleigh towards the next house, then changed their mind and went left, then right, finally landing above me. Santa was holding onto his hat, toys too. Then I probably heard hooves on the roof. Santa flew down the chimney and landed on his ass. He had on lots of fur, which he bought in a manic state and regretted. He was covered in fireplace ash and I worried he would get it everywhere. He was suddenly dragging the toys around out of exhaustion. He looked like he needed a hug. His eyes -they were darting around! his dimples -weren’t showing because he didn’t smile. His face was pale and I worried. His mouth was frowning and the beard on his face was dirty and messy and he had a cigarette hanging out and the smoke encircled his head and looked like a wreath. He had a broad face and a big round belly that shook when he tried to say, “Ho Ho Ho.” He was fat and looked really depressed for an elf. I thought he was hilarious and couldn’t stop laughing. A wink of his left eye, then his right and a jerk of his head. He didn’t say anything but sighed as he threw presents under the tree randomly, cried on the stockings, then turned around, He put his finger on his nose and tried to nod and rose slowly up the chimney with mumbled words of anger. He dragged himself into the sleigh, pulled out a whistle and blew up. I heard him shout, as he drove out of sight, “Try to have a stable Christmas, and I hope the meds help!!”
Happy Holidays and God bless!